UnLove Letters: Wave and Leaf
by Verboten Byacolate
Summary: From the Wave is his Mune. From the Leaf is the Chikan. A vow of correspondance is what keeps them bonded for their three years apart. [Tsunade and Jiraiya][Romantic... or not?]
1. Mune: Wave

A/N; I won't be posting many of these, so listen closely; This was written by Zhou-Mak and myself. It is a series of improv. letters between two of our favorite 50-year-olds. Zhou is, of course, Jiraiya, and I am Tsunade. We came up with this out of boredom, but I hope you will enjoy it anyway.

The backround; Tsunade, age 17, has been sent on a 3-year mission to the Wave. Jiraiya's parting words to her are to make her give a vow to write to him at least once a month. She agrees. Our story starts after she arrives.

I just needed something original, folks.

Disclaimer; You know it. I know it. I don't own Naruto. And, frankly, neither does Zhou-kun.

**X - - x - Un-Love Letters: Wave and Leaf - x - - X**

_Dear baka, _

_I have arrived safely in Wave village. It's wet, of course, but very nice. Good crops, obviously the population aside from ninja are farmers or fishers. Nothing else much to say. _

_The daimyo is a very large man, with much authority (not much of a shocker), and he's a jolly fellow. A little perverse, though, if you ask me... not as much as you, but, then, who is? He's got lots of facial hair, though he is lacking such on his shiny head. I think he uses polish, but I'm not always acurate when it comes to those things. _

_They've set me up in a little apartment with a roomate. Her name is Koshite, and even though she looks to be about 19 or 20, her papers claim she is in her late forties... Maybe someday I'll get the secret out of her. _

_Ah, I am sitting here on my bed, waiting to get my first job with the daimyo. I hope I don't get any stupid B-class missions... But, I guess I can't be picky. _

_Koshite-san has returned, and she is requesting my assistance in some antidote-making. I hope this monthly nothing is good enough for you, baka. _

_Not yours, _

_Tsunade_

**-+-+-+-+-** _Two Weeks, Three Days Later _**-+-+-+-+-**

"Tsunade-chan, you've got a letter!"

The young blonde woman poked her head out of her door frame, looking almost surprised. "For me? Really?"

"Mm-hmm. It's from a Jiraiya."

"You're kidding," she said dryly, taking the letter out of Koshite's hands. The older woman smirked. "That boy in your three-man cell?"

"Hai..."

Koshite just laughed and walked away, leaving a confused Tsunade in her wake. Shrugging, the girl stepped back into her room, shutting the door behind her.

"What've you got to say to me now, you pervert?" she murmured, tearing the seam of the envelope.

**Dear Mune-chan, **

**I'm glad to hear you arrived safely, I've been worried. Orochimaru says "hn." Sarutobi-sensei says hello. I say, what are Koshite-san's measurements? But honestly, you're leaving for so long. It's going to be lonely without you. (picture of young Jiraya pouting). **

**In a few days, Sarutobi-sensei is going to take Orochi-teme and I down to the Hokage's jutsu cellar, something about a contract. I don't really know. All I know is that he's given us about a week off. No doubt Oroch-teme's going to check out the to-be genins. And I've got to admit, there's a fine amount of talent. And from the way he's eyeing Anko-chan, I'd say you have some serious competition. **

**But that's not the point. I don't really have one, but you get the idea, enclosed is a new chapter of my next manga masterpiece! _Great Samurai Musashi_, tell me what you think of the art, it took forever. **

**It sounds like this daimyo fellow is an agreeable sort. Polish on his head? Don't most bald people wear rugs? Nidiame-sama did, right? Well, regardless of how old people treat their hair, I hope you come back soon. Peeping just isn't the same fun anymore without you there. (picture of young Jiraya leaning against a fence) **

**Sincerely, **

**He who makes villians cry out in fear, he who can topple mountains with merely a flick of his finger, he who makes the darkness weep, Jiraya, the Great Shinobi.**

- -

Tsunade felt a vein pop in her head. Sadly, she also felt that this would only be the first of many to come, complimentary of a pervert who wasn't even present.

_**- TBC -**_

**(P.S. I've written everything that is not a letter, as well :D)**

**-Bya-chan**


	2. Chikan: Leaf

_Dear Chikan no baka, _

_You are an idiot. I refuse to reply to your first question, as it is inappropriate, vile, rude, inconsiderate, and so forth. Tell Orochimaru and Sarutobi-sensei to please hit you over the head for me. And if they don't, I'll never forgive them. And, Orochi-kun and Anko-chan? A match made in heaven, I daresay. They get along quite well, yes? I mean, for a small child, and a Jounin... You'll have to keep me posted on that little story. Watch out fo rAnko-chan, though, just to be safe. _

_A whole week off; good for you. I'll use my free time to read your... graphic novel (there'd better not be anything perverted in here, or I'll do something terrible to you when I get back). I KNOW what you'll use your free time to do, pervert, and I KNOW that it doesn't matter if it's not "fun" anymore "since I'm not there". Baka. I'll train extra hard here, just so when I get back, I can beat your ass down with one finger. That's a promise. _

_I have nothing more to say here, other than give Sarutobi-sensei and Orochi-kun my love. None for you, though. _

_Sincerely,   
Modest enough to not out-do your idiotic signature, Tsunade  
_

**-+-+-+-+-** _One Week, One Day Later _**-+-+-+-+-**

Jiraiya roared with laughter. She replied! She totally loved him. Orochimaru sent a spiteful glare in his direction.

"Shut up, idiot, you're disturbing the peace."

Jiraiya smirked at his teammate. "Don't be such a prick, Orochi-teme, just because my summoning worked so well, and yours ended up in your drawers."

The snakey-man hissed a few colorful phrases to the porcupine-head before retreating to his team. Jiraiya whipped out a pen, and began his return letter, ignoring his sensei's laughter.

--

**Dear Mune-chan, **

**Your cruelty wounds me. How could you call such an honest question so many vicious things? But I forgive you. Sarutobi-sensei declined to hit me, while Orochimaru was too busy talking to the snake in his pants. Yeah, I never did tell you what Sarutobi-sensei got us, did I? Well, he brought out a couple of contracts, cut our hands open, and made us sign them. Then we each got to try to summon them. Orochimaru screwed up and got his in his pants. I, however, managed to summon the son of the boss of the toads. Sarutobi says that in a few months I might be able to summon Gamabunta, the boss of the toads. Nothing is funnier than seeing Orochimaru running around the training area, beating his pants. If I could save it for you, I would. **

**By the way, I don't know about you, but seeing Orochimaru with the new batch of kids kinda freaks me out a little bit. Especially what with his fascination for the younger boys. You should see the way he stares at Kakashi. It's more than a little off-putting. Besides his predilection for the younger age, he also put in for a genin team. And so did I! Aren't you proud, Tsunade! **

**But alas, I must admit, my intentions for writing this letter are not totally pure. I have to ask you... Are you sure there aren't better things to do with that finger than hit me? (picture of Jiraya smirking heavily) But in all seriousness, what kind of missions are you doing? Nothing too stressful, I hope. I would have to have to see you come back with a scar I have to kiss all better. And for my last question, what do you think of my manga? I hope you like the art, I worked on it since you said you were leaving. Also, the heroine is modeled after you. **

**Sorry to cut this letter short, but it's the afternoon rush at the hotsprings. Toodles. **

**Sincerely, **

**The man who makes his enemies wet themselves with the mention of his passing, he who is invisible like the wind, he who cannot be caught by mortal hands, Jiraya, the Frog Jounin of Konoha!**


	3. Tsunade: Wave

_Dear Chikan, _

_Honest questions my foot. You don't ask honest questions... or, rather, innocent ones. You knew I wouldn't answer, baka! Why take the time to ask??? Gah, whatever. _

_Mou, you are so mean to Orochi-kun. Even if it_ **_is_** _true... _

_So how is little Anko-chan? You ARE watching out for her, right? Just for precaution... No need to be suspicious of our Orochi-kun. She's so small... and at that age, they're just too damned trusting. _

_I read your manga. The story is terrible, but the manga itself is brilliant. But, stop drawing me, you pervert! _

_So you were able to summon a frog- big whoop. Koshite-sensei has taught me the summoning jutsu as well, and I'm able to summon a giant slug! ... Okay, that didn't sound as cool as it really is, but, trust me, it's the best thing, and I'm so proud! And... Yes, I am proud of you as well, Jiraiya. _

_This coming week, Koshite-sensei and I are to go on a retrieval mission by orders of the daimyo; she says that we don't do seduction missions yet. Though I suppose you didn't need to have that information... _

_Things have been very slow around here. Apparently, Wave is much calmer than Konoha expected. Sad, really. I'm so bored... And that was NOT a suggestion for you to give me something to do. I don't need nor want to know. _

_Say hello to the others for me! _

_-Tsunade _

_P.S.- If Orochimaru is in still in pain after his little snake incident, please tell Sarutobi-sensei that he has my permission to use that potion I made back in that last winter when we were Genin. He knows where it is- just tell him to use the green one. Arigatou! _

Tsunade bit the end of her pen distractedly. Things seemed to be much more entertaining over there than here, and she felt rather envious. Poor Orochimaru, though! She allowed herself a giggle. Ah, well. Those things happened, she supposed.

"Not often, though," she said, also allowing herself a Jiraiya moment. Then, it felt weird, and she stopped.

"Koshite-sensei!" she called, hopping out of her room. "Would you send this off while I pack?"

**-+-+-+-+-** _Three Weeks, Two Days Later _**-+-+-+-+-**

"Ha! He responded!" Tsunade laughed, lobbing her pack onto her bed, and settling herself on it as well. "Let's see what you're up to..."

--

**Dear Mune-chan, **

**I am insulted, I've never asked a dishonest question in my life. Nor have I asked any less-than-perfectly-innocent questions either. I was thinking to get Koshite-chan some clothing for White Day, along with the package I usually send you. It was done with only the most generous of intentions. **

**Remember, I'm only as mean to Orochi-teme as he deserves. And I must say, if anything positive has come of you going to Wave, it's that my cost for headache medication has gone down drastically. And too damn trusting is definately a proper statement. She's dogging him like you were. And he's even paying attention to her! You should come back soon. Hey, I know all the genin groups were set up as three man cells, but Orochi-teme's got Anko all to himself... I don't know. I'm gonna send Gamakichi to check up on them, while I check out my team. **

**Oh yeah, about that, I don't even get to have a normal team, they've got me paired up with this kid to watch my team. His name's Arashi, and has he got a mouth. But damn if that kid ain't fast. Regardless, my team is Obito Uchia, Kakashi Hatake, and Rin. Yeah, it's weird, but she won't tell me her last name (from the way she's acting, I'll bet she wants it to be Hatake). But yeah, so the council won't even trust me to watch a bunch of brats by myself, it's humiliating! (picture of Jiraya pouting, with what appears to be Arashi pointing at him) **

**Horrible story! What's up with that? That's a prime-grade masterpiece! That's it! If you don't like my story, I'm gonna write until you do! Next month, I'm gonna give you a big, long, thick, sturdy, hard, painful chapter to read! How do you like that! (picture of Jiraya ranting. You know, chibi-rant face) **

**Slugs? Those acidic, limp, masses of flesh that eat flowers? Wow, at least snakes look menacing. I guess I'm lucky that my summons have arms. But slugs? What can they do, leave slippery slime trails? (picture of Tsunade pouting with Jiraya pointing at her) **

**A retrival mission, eh? If I remember, you were always the best at those. I hope to hear all the details when you get back. It should at least pass the time. Also, if I send in for a seduction mission, do I have to ask for you by name? I'd really like to know. **

**I told Professor-sensei about that bottle, but your ink was smeard and I thought it said green. But oh well, either way, Orochi-teme now is nearly unable to use his chakra. I don't know what you did to that stuff, but it was an ooooooold bottle, and mixing the blue and yellow ones together to get more probably wasn't the best idea. I guess it's too late to change that. Too bad. (picture of Jiraya laughing his ass off as Orochimaru is unable to use any jutsus except henge) **

**But besides that, nothing much going on here, though. But if you really don't want any suggestions for something to do, I guess I'll have to hold on to there pictures of Orochimaru washing his pants in the river. I was going to give them to you, but since you don't want my suggestion, I can always give them to Anko, or use them as blackmail. **

**Signed. **

**-the man whose genin team can crumble a villiage, he whose stealth is unmatched, the perfect photographer, The Jounin Sensei, Jiraya of Konoha.**


End file.
